u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Help. Why am I so naked?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
