Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
