just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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