My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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