he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
