The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Still dying that you shit outside
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
