from now on my penis is your penis
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
