forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
