Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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