Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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