I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
