I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
