I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
