i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
