Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
