He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
