Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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