i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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