just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
pray to the hookup gods
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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