No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
