I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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