A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
