i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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