omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
