my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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