Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
