I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
People with herpes should wear stickers.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize