that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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