yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
