He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
