Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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