She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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