I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
