dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
