I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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