My sheets look like a crime scene.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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