so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
