drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
