and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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