I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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