my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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