Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize