If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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