I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
