my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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