Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
