morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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