Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
