A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
