WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
