dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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