You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
