in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
