If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
