i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
