Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize