keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
