Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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