There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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