when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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