I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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