decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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