The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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