the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
