I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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